So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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