the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
