I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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