new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
