Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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