Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
zippers are such a cool invention
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
