we made out on top of his cat.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
