were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
