i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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