Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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