I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
