Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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