dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize