i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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