i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I think my moral compass just broke
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
