is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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