I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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