I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
