Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
