I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
