I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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