I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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