not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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