dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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