he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
No I am not eating basil off your cock
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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