Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
