I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
