She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
