mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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