I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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