Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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