It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
