The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Why is your signature on my underwear?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
