Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
