Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
