I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
