Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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