youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
