I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
