if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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