I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize