We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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