im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
