even my farts smell like vagina
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize