Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
