Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
