May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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