Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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