I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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