Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
