Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
