one word: firstdatebathroomanal
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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