hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
