Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
